The day was filled with lectures, slides and learning objectives. It's much like any other lecture day for medical students. What I find so profound is there are pages and pages, chapters if you like, dedicated to describing single dot points lecturers have summarised onto a single slide of a 67-slide presentation compressed into an hour. This means that one can spend days if not hours going through a single lecture, when in fact there are so many to go through. Plus, there's the self-directed learning, integrated clinical attachments and assignments that are all to be done prior to our examinations.
But she threw in the towel for her blog and I'm incredibly happy she has decided to devote time to what means most to her.
Why can't I do that? Why do I stress about things like organising all these extracurricular activities? Stressing about things like attending social events, whether I'll be able to control my diet for the day and how many cups of coffee I've had? Because I do -- even if I am just sitting comfortably somewhere trying to relax, I'll stop what I'm doing to focus on what's stressing me out.
It's all getting overwhelming again. Interestingly, my schedule in the elective term, which demanded more hours, was easier for me to handle. I happily went and did what I was capable of doing competently for 10-18 hours a day... after which I came home satisfied with the difference I made.
I'm back here in Sydney, back in my own role and financial circumstances. In other words, I've come back to real life and it's been an eye-opener how much more difficult life is over here, even if the hours are shorter per week. I'm slowly understanding that the number of hours one works or studies a week doesn't determine how awesome they are; which was obviously quite a weak assumption for me to make previously.
However here I am, trying to figure out how to critically appraise a guideline on Paediatric Anxiety & Depression for tomorrow's presentation while waiting for my colleagues to arrive so I can summarise surgical diseases of the Breast and listen to their summaries. I've hit a brick wall and can't get in touch with colleagues that know how to access the appraisal tool we're expected to use.
Sharp Incisions, I hope you find your feet and please, for the sake of everyone out there, never take off those spectacles. Medicine is not just another job - you reduce morbidity, mortality and make a difference to people. You can give them hope, care and comfort without their financial commitments. Just like all of us, you need some time to yourself, your family and to smile again. I'll miss your entries and your insight.
Like everyone else, I'm in a bit of a rut right now and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I'll feel better and won't constantly remind myself of the upcoming exams, assignments, professional and personal commitments. One day, I'll be able to wake up and focus on absolutely nothing but my plate of breakfast in front of me. Until that day, I'm going to push forward - I need to believe that day is going to happen.
I really do.
This is pretty much what I have been feeling this week. Even though I am in college and my timetable pales in comparison to a med one, things are starting to get crazy with end of semester exams on the horizon, essays due in 2-3 weeks and all the online assessments and quizes thrown in by the uni for good measure.
ReplyDeleteAnd when things start to move too quickly and I feel like I am getting overwhelmed I meditate. This may not work for everyone but it serves as an 'anchor' for me. A constant if you will. It helps me gather my thoughts, reinforce my goals and gives me inspiration to tackle things head on and not get overrun by all the things that are whizzing pass you at terminal speed.
Sometimes writing about it (like your bog or journal etc.) can have the same therapeutic effect.
People tend to get freaked out by the mention of meditation because they imagine as a sorta religious secret that you have to pay hundreds of dollars to learn. But for me it is a place to keep track of things and reorientate myself towards the summit when you feel you have gotten lost.
Hope you find your bearings.
GL
PS- Like you mentioned - reminding yourself why you are doing all this for helps too. Maybe you already know this but try to read 'On Being a Doctor' segments from a journal called Annals of Internal Medicine. It has real experiences that doctors go through in their career and they really do touch you. Makes you realize why you are going through all this...
Thank you for your kind words, Endless. I'm sorry that you're also going through a rough time right now.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest: it hasn't been easy for me to learn to pare back and say 'no'. I got far closer to burn-out than I ought to have before I did. But I think it's an important lesson to have learned, and that it'll only become even more important as we move further through our training.
If, as you say, unimportant (or less important) things are causing you a lot of stress right now, just step back from them for a while - there's no trick to it, you just have to do it. I wish I'd done it earlier, myself - I might not have gotten so deep into the hole if I had. (I am doing better now, slowly replenishing my reserves with the support of my family and friends, but I was thisclose to giving up on the whole thing for a few days there.)
Wishing you all the best - hang in there.
SI