My girlfriend flew out to Thailand on Friday evening and she'll be gone for three weeks. Her 21st birthday was last weekend and I thought it went pretty well; she enjoyed herself at the venue but had a difficult time with her friends at the celebrations that followed. In fact, they didn't happen but that was simply unfortunate. Most of us had to work or had other personal commitments, which is to an extent, understandable. Essentially the most important people hung around that mattered most to her.
On her actual birthday, I spent the day packing to move into the accommodation across the street from the Hospital I would be training as a senior medical student for 2 years. So in that view, it was rather altruistic of her to spend the day helping me move. We borrowed my friend's Landcruiser and moved the most important of things and drove back home before I dropped her off and drove back the second time with my own car.
I've been rather stressed money-wise as I paid for most of her 21st arrangements and gifts are never cheap. She has offered to repay some of the expenditures, which I both welcome and resent welcoming. I need to save and given then I barely have anything to show financially show anyone that I have worked no less than 3 jobs for the past 4 years, it is necessary that I am able to retain most of the money I make especially since I have barely any financial assistance from anywhere else.
The first week of third year has started and gone right past. I'm already behind in the lectures I've had to watch and keep up with. I have been asked to give a preliminary lecture this Tuesday morning for a specialist in Radiology and senior lecturer in Anatomy; I have barely anything prepared and the gravity of the potential humiliation still hasn't hit me. I'm sure it will tomorrow at rounds when I realise how little time I have.
How fast time has moved is really eye-opening. It feels like yesterday we were sitting at Darling Harbour enjoying the fireworks of new year's eve. Now we're at the end of January and wheels are in motion that cannot be undone. Most of a medical student's spare time is utilised meticulously on work, important personal commitments, study and if possible, research. Above all that comes the patients and they, first and foremost, may present at any moment, any time and any where. So we may be in the middle of a personal commitment but must be vigilant when the needs arise of the general public, even if we are not qualified; we are still likely to be the most experienced there.
It never stops. I always have to tell people and definitely remind others like my girlfriend, that clinical science cannot be ignored, unless of course you have no moral obligations or commitments to it. It is definitely easy for people to tune out and 'enjoy life'. I have difficulty. My clinical mindset accompanies me everywhere. The worst is when I'm in a large shopping centre. I analyse everyone and for a while, I was doing it subconsciously until I realised that I was doing it without the person's consent. Ethically, that poses a problem; we are analysing people and not sharing our findings with them, which they as people or patients of other doctors, may or may not be aware of.
I still have difficulty stopping. So I'll be holding my girlfriend's hand and we'll be having ice cream romantically down the beachside until I see a person walking from a distance and realise that their gait (manner of walking) meets the criteria for stroke and then my mind dwells on whether the person knows about their pathology and the most likely causes in the community. Then I start verbalising it to my girlfriend, who at this point might as well be licking salt off a brick in the corner of a coal mine because that's how she feels with me right at that time.
I've been told that's one of the reasons I am at an increased risk of burning out, breaking down and completely falling apart. Burning out has happened before and well, I don't really know it's happening to me until it really happens. It's really specific but I can only define it personally right when it's happening; live and present within me and unfortunately, likely to be affecting those around me.
The problem is, there is always tomorrow's journey. Is it really a problem? I don't know.
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