In the cold wind of the Brighton Beach, I realised that most of the Surgeons at my hospital were an inspiration to me. One of them in particular, MHK, really can relate to me. He is one of the smartest, most relaxed people I have ever met and he too started out to become a Surgeon. He had it in him the whole time and went through the motions to become now Professor of Surgery.
I understand how hard it must have been. Working so often. He writes about how a Surgeon works hours on end and is still expected to functional socially. He recalls falling asleep in countless theatres and being woken up by a disappointed date. He talks about working 16-18 hours a day and coming home to work on his PhD, the two other Bachelor degrees and a Masters degree he has.
So here I am - a third year medical student in General Practice who hasn't studied anything in 3 weeks; other than seeing patients, I haven't done anything for my upcoming exams in three weeks.
I think about MHK and his study routine. He told me once that he was a Taxi driver as a medical student.
He is from the same part of the world as me - and it is tradition that when someone starts working in a family for the first time, the first payslip should be spent on gifts to the family. We were in the operating theatre one day and he looked at me and said:
Do you know what I bought my parents with my first payslip? I bought my father some socks and underwear, and my mother a jacket.
Look how lucky I am. I've got a computer, the internet and a car to get me from one side of Sydney to the other several times a week. I can't live up to anything he is.
I can't study, I am an average student and I too want to become a Surgeon in the Public Hospital System. How am I supposed to do that?
Last week, my GP supervisor invited me to a play at the local Anglican College and I fell asleep for a few minutes before the classical music woke me up. I realised what had happened and I could share MHK's pain of social participation. In the intermission, I decided to message him and tell him what had happened.
He wrote back: Hang in there.
How? There's so much going on. How am I supposed to perform?
Did you remember to do this?
What about that?
Can you pick me up?
We should go to that party tonight.
Sometimes I really think life is cruel. I really fucking do. I have done everything in my power to help as many people as I can and I will continue to do so, but the criticism and the expectations are overwhelming.
I think back on MHK and wonder how I am ever going to get there. How am I ever going to survive?
Then as I was reading about the entry requires into the College of Surgeons, I stumbled across the requirements of a Fellow in General Surgery. The number of operations that are expected to be performed independently and alone are tabulated over 11 A4 pages. Where do I start? How do I study?
I am so far behind, is it really worth starting?
All the people that speak highly of me, what will they think when I am unsatisfactory? What will I do when I have to come home and tell people that depend on me that I can't earn money for another year or more? How will I ever pay my bills back? How can I ever be a provider?
My dear,
ReplyDeleteThis is easier said than done, but you can't keep comparing yourself to other people (yes, I know, I do it too). You've got to forge your own path because you are you and MHK is he. Don't forget that there are many roads one can take: some longer or bumpier than others, but all eventually leading to the same destination.
As you always say to me, keep your chin up! You'll be brilliant, I'm sure of it
xx