Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Pressure

Not exercising for almost two weeks can really make you feel disgusting, particularly if you enjoy it and crave it. The downside is I know I should go to manage my weight and also because it's a good form of release - but I can't. Something's holding me back and I don't know what it is. The same thing prevents me from studying until it's too late.

Yesterday during my day of sorrow without reason, I decided to do some exercise. I went for a walk by the beach. It was so very cold. With 4 layers, scarf and gloves, the weather really reminded me of how lucky we are to live here in Australia. The winter may be cold, but it's still near melting point compared to other countries such as Russia, America and England. But that didn't stop it from being downright ice-cutting.

It's become almost impossible for me to experience the extremes of emotion without particular music. Every time I write on this blog, drive or study - there's always something playing in the background, usually the same song on repeat for many hours before I need a change in scenery. Yesterday's walk needed my favourite song - a song that I have listened to almost every day for the past 4 years. I still can't get past it - it is so beautiful to me.

While listening to this song, I was thinking about my tutors in the past. Men and Women that have prevailed through medical school, internship and residency - there they are: up in the ranks of the Physicians, Surgeons and Doctors.

Watching them now, being the successful people that they are with families, routine and practice dedicated to helping their communities, I really wonder how I am ever going to get there. Most of them were consultants by the time they were my age because of the wonders of undergraduate medicine.

So I broke down, crying while listening to my song, wondering if I'll ever be half of those people at the pinnacle of my career. I am not even sure I will pass my exams, let alone deliver the care required of me in 18 months' time.

There is only one way to success for me and for most if not all of us in medical school. We cannot deviate from the common path of becoming general doctors when we complete our degrees. Medical school exams definitely scare me and there's plenty of errors to be made and much feedback to be received because truly, I cannot believe that an exam tests my competence. Which is why I'm so confused.

What truly scares me is being out there, as a 'Doctor' and finally managing illness independently and knowing truly that there's plenty of roads to choose from in the light of career choice, number of hours per week, management protocols and many other fields of thought.

All I know is that I am far from ready.

No comments:

Post a Comment