Pressure

Since I've written yesterday's post, I have received some reassuring messages. A few people have offered to read my essay and I appreciate the offer, though at this point I just need to focus on completing my clinical logbook and the upcoming examinations. I will be meeting the Head of Discipline tomorrow and I have been convinced that everything will be alright. I've got my fingers crossed.

In fact the most therapeutic thing yesterday was being woken by a message from AT and a phone call from LZ. You were critical to me yesterday night and made today so much easier. Thank you ever so greatly.

When I spiral out of control like I did yesterday, shaking the notion of being incompetent is near impossible. To shake myself out of it, I needed to be in the deep end. Today was a new day and new opportunities would arise.

I took a few histories, performed some assessments, presented a short case to one of the registrars. She asked me a dozen questions and my differentials were good. I felt better. I made arrangements to see some sonographic investigations in pregnancy. It was good. It felt good know I had potential. Then I caught up with one of my friends who I hadn't seen properly in what feels like 2 years. CA is a person I got close to last year and her support was invaluable during some very difficult times. She and I drifted apart after the Clinical Schools separated us and our professional commitments to patients and colleagues facilitated the lack of communication. She is a very unique friend in that we hadn't spoken in almost a year and when we bumped into each other yesterday for the first time since then, we were so excited to spend time together. It was a chemistry that I don't often feel with friends and that made it all the more special to me. Finally today we spent about three hours talking and catching up; and we still want to catch up. It's friends like this - people who aren't in touch but then remember the value of the friendship when times are testing - that restore my faith in people. This holds true for AT & LZ as well.

Prof. MHK in whatever spare time he had co-authored a play about a family's journey through the Intensive Care Unit. I bought myself a ticket to go and see his perspective on healthcare. Us medical students were wondering how he had the time to raise two children, have four degrees, a Masters, PhD, several commendations and medals from the Royal Australasian College of Surgeons and be a Professor of Clinical Surgery. Oh and did I mentioned he had setup a Tertiary Institute for students in developing countries? If I ever want to feel that my achievements mean nothing, I just pull up his resume. It's available from the Staff Profile website of our Faculty. There's no better reminder that I am merely Shadows in Dust.

I arrived at the theatre with a few medical students. It was packed with healthcare professionals and dozens of other people. I do enjoy catching up and seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, especially Staff Specialists that I have worked with before. After seeing some of the well-known Professors from our hospital, I noticed Prof. MRC, one of the Professors of Surgery at our hospital.

He was an example to all Surgeons. His etiquette, conduct and patient devotion was envied by many. What I envy most is his resistance to the power his position entitles him. He can still be a decent man, a good Doctor and a fantastic Surgeon without being an arrogant, self-centred God.

We made eye contact in the crowd and I thought I'd walk over to say hello. He greeted me with a handshake despite holding his wife's drink. Beside him was a person I presumed was his wife, but in fact was a College Interviewer for admissions. Allow me to introduce you to one of our senior students. He's interested in surgery and did a double-project with Prof. MHK last year and won a prize with the Urological registrar. She raised her eyebrows and shook my hand. I was moved by his introduction that I forgot her name. I didn't have much to talk about so I left soon after.

But that encounter gave me something to think about: People's expectations of me. How would they react if they found out about this essay result? What if they already know? I found myself being paranoid.

I have made some kind of a name for myself. Prof. MRC made it clear that people have not forgotten about me, despite their seniority and a world of other things to do.

My fear must be overcome by the motivation of pressure. However it must be moderated so that I do not implode or explode.

Good friends are supportive and caring; their opinions to me are very important. Their support invaluable. But I confess that having faith and expectations from the very people I idolise - that is pure pressure for it is they I wish to become.

And God forbid they expect that dream to become reality one day.