Decompensation

I really thought I had a good grasp of time management at the beginning of 2011. Yet, time is suspended above me and it's chaotic patterns really are influenced by the slightest of movements. It aches past at the slowest of rates, making the wait for a person to get off the phone to be forever; suddenly it fast-forwards right before you.

Many people told me to stop working when I started the third year of my studies. I have had a minimum of 2-3 jobs since 2006, after my two operations - when I realised the importance of being functional while I was young. My father stopped working when he was less than 50 years old because of his pain from a variety of conditions, including the bone disorder I have inherited. It was a reasonable recommendation. You really need to study and you have to make time for yourself.


It is very easy for people to make judgements about my personal circumstances when they are not me. Similarly, it is very easy for me to reach conclusions about things that don't directly involve me, which is a problem because I really can be insensitive sometimes. There's always room for improvement.

Since the program started, I have already picked up a few more responsibilities. I maintain the position of an auditor for one of the specialists at the hospital I'm currently training in. I am still a radiographer on the weekend, public holidays and occasional weekdays. I am also a lecturer at the university I am enrolled in the school of medical radiation sciences. On top of that, I have been meaning to finalise my summer research scholarship of organising a teaching session for medical students - so I am also affiliated as an unofficial lecturer for the medical program - for now. I am looking to expand the summer research scholarship into a masters in philosophy because I am not eligible for honours. I have already started another research project looking at the management of oesophageal perforation. On top of this, I am organising the World's Greatest Shave event again for the Sydney University Medical Students, which will be happening in little over a month's time.

As if this is all not enough, I have applied to the radiology department of the hospital I'm training in for a job as a night-shift radiographer or for an on-call position.

So the point of this entry was to outline why I feel time is slipping past and I mostly blame my thoughts. I'm constantly preoccupied and never have not a worry in the world - I don't understand that concept and I also don't understand the concept of a holiday.

My girlfriend always tells me that travelling is about sight-seeing, experiencing different cultures and so much more. For me, a holiday is sitting with my feet up on a big lazy-boy recliner and staring at something, preferably a static object like a wall or another chair. Perhaps things that do move that do not require much interaction, like a bird or the wind. I would love to go travelling but even with the eight hours of sleep I'm getting, it really does not feel like it's possible. My body is resting; my mind is constantly working. Most of my sleeping feels like I'm spending more time trying to work out what my dreams are than actually just dreaming.

I'm going to end up being one of those people who live in 5-minute intervals. At the moment I'm on hour-intervals. I can see people or interact for an x number of hours, so that's not bad. People can put up with that. But even then, most of my day goes to medical experience and being as useful as possible. Seeing as though we're in a healthcare system that is short-staffed and has barely any money to provide staff relief, it is the medical students that fill in the blanks. That's the way the world works at the moment - it may be unethical and we can debate it.. but all we'd be doing is delaying what truly is the inevitable: medical students make a difference to staff numbers and if competent, must be utilised to increase efficiency. Like with any familiarisation process, the person trying to sort out their environment ends up being the bearer of the inefficiency and everyone is weighed down by it. But once the momentum is up and running, it is impossible to stop.

Looking forward to the weekend is something everyone craves at the end of the week. I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to get up early again. Sleeping early has been how I overcome the fear of waking up late. And my weekend's booked out well before it's arrived. There's no time to rest the mind.

Study at work, work during study, research during clinical, see patients during study, work during research, study at clinical, clinical at work... Sometimes I forget my function and my role - I end up being ahead of myself or even worse, not doing the adequate amount.

Am I burning out again?