Kept from Sleep

I lay down on my bed to sleep, thinking it was time for rest. I have been sleeping quite well the past few days, catching up on the luxury of sleep. The comfort of it is so important to me.

Thinking about how old I am and how the age of thirty is just around the corner got me out of bed to write something before convincing myself that I won't be able to sleep.

The light's off in my room and the keyboard is glowing with the screen. I'm almost twenty five and it feels like accomplishment is a word that's so far away.

When will I reach it? Am I experiencing delayed gratification now? They say medical students persist very well because they know that being a doctor is only a few years away. Then interns persist until they are registered doctors and then specialise through the colleges. It seems like a vicious cycle to me.

People have been talking about lifestyle ever since I started this program and I know it's foolish of me to say, but I despise that word in this profession. It feels like people are taking the shortcuts to reach their goals, whatever they may be. Minimising delayed gratification to achieve gratification sooner, better and with a family. But what of the patients?

Acute-care surgeons are almost always on call, especially in this part of town where there is a shortage. What do we do when all the doctors of tomorrow are concerned about their families, their loved ones and their bank accounts? What happens to the patients of the future, when the shortage gets strangled?

I think that surgeons make an enormous sacrifice in doing what they do. Some of them chose surgery because other training programs were more competitive. Others because they short-term spike in income is reassuring for their finances. But some, perhaps the very few, chose it because they believe actions are larger than words.

To care for patients means to start earlier than others, finish later and return whenever you are required to make a difference to someone's life. That is what medicine and surgery is to me. It is the ability to serve those in dire need. It hurts to know so many people are moving away from surgery because of its demands on doctors.

Why am I awake? Because I want to become a surgeon and I want the steps I take in the hospital to make a difference. I want to know that I have made someone feel better, restored function and saved someone's life. I want to make the decision to operate, bearing in mind the best decision is always not to operate. I want to be modest, humble and learn from the arrogance in theatre that this attitude is a dying one.

Serving people does not give special rights to anyone. We have made that decision and if we are angry, frustrated, annoyed or impatient - it is our fault. Nobody forced us to do what we are doing. We need to serve all those arounds us without prejudice. I want to be that person, if I am not already. Polite, calm and respectful, without the notion of arrogance but being knowledgeable enough to make decisions. To have the confidence of the patients and their loved ones.

I'm up and it's almost midnight - what kept me up? The fear of never reaching my goal; the thought that my journey is infinite and that my knowledge is insufficient. My contributions are little and my work insignificant.

So I am awake, wondering what I can do about it.

I can only hope that there are enough surgeons out there to look after the people, but especially in the future.

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