Gravity

It's the beginning of May. Time is moving so quickly and it's beginning to make me feel sick. Opportunities swept from under your feet and many approach every morning.

I had a good weekend because I was able to resume exercise after almost a month of inactivity. On top of that, I'm finally studying.

But, I must remember that failure is not low-risk; it can be right around the corner.



On Friday, we had a Pathology session and one of the presentations included some refreshers on Cirrhotic changes of the liver. So I asked myself a question: What is cirrhosis and describe its characteristics. I thought for a minute... minutes... moments... I'm spacing out.


I couldn't describe it to myself. A student who is interested particularly in the gastrointestinal tract could not discuss the principles of a cirrhotic liver and the basis behind its diagnosis as well as its management. This really made my heart sink.

We've been reminded over the past few weeks about a Population Medicine quiz that needs to be done. But! Before one embarks on that, one should read the core articles and perhaps the recommended ones. So I read the core articles and understood the philosophy and theory of Outbreak and its management in the public health setting; interesting and important. But then the quiz... or whoever made it, decided it would be a great idea to ask questions not in the core text (3 articles), but in the recommended text (14 articles). To my surprise, my mark was 45 / 100 -- something I really didn't need to see. I read the core requirements but that wasn't enough for these people. So I'm freaking out... I failed an online quiz. No wait - I failed something. A component of the course, regardless of its academic weight.

I feel like shit.

One thing the assessments in this program are good at is reminding us that no matter how much we break our backs or try our hardest - it's never enough. We always are reminded: we need to know more. Much more.

What kind of a life am I expected to have when I'm expected to know volumes of information, do research, work and do more research? The truth is that this Faculty is not looking after its students.

When I had my meeting with one of the Senior Lecturers in assessment a month ago, it was quite clear she didn't give a shit about life-sustaining employment and extra-curricular research. I remember her reaction quite vividly:

You need to get your priorities in order.


Yes, of course I do. I should study medicine before eating, toileting, showering and shaving. I should study medicine before doing research and preparing myself for College admission. I should study medicine before working to pay for rent, petrol, food and other useless expenditures. Fuck, all this time I've wasted on eating, drinking and urinating. I could've done all three at the same time while studying right?

What's most hilarious is how that Senior Lecturer actually made a point that she did her PhD in Medical Education at Harvard University - how amazing. With all that money invested in what parenchyma she has in that intracranial, intrameningeal space, she couldn't comprehend the complexity behind working for money to sustain income for the facilitation of study and education.

The greater good is beyond reach. I don't want to be gratified; I just want to learn and contribute as much as I can. But no, that's inadequate. Efforts wasted. Time lost.


I was feeling quite good until tonight. Let's just hope it motivates instead of buries me along with all my work.